Behind the Scenes: Book One Music

Now that Book One is over and done with, it seems like a good time to compile the theme songs for all the characters into one massive blog post.

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Asha

Small Blue Thing, by Suzanne Vega.


Today I am
A small blue thing
Like a marble
Or an eye

With my knees against my mouth
I am perfectly round
I am watching you

I am cold against your skin
You are perfectly reflected
I am lost inside your pocket
I am lost against
Your fingers

I am falling down the stairs
I am skipping on the sidewalk
I am thrown against the sky

I am raining down in pieces
I am scattering like light
Scattering like light
Scattering like light

Today I am
A small blue thing
Made of china
Made of glass

I am cool and smooth and curious
I never blink
I am turning in your hand
Turning in your hand
Small blue thing

---

Reid Addison

My Punishment for Fighting, by The Rosebuds.



The street lights flicker the bright ideal
The breath of lovers shout like clicking heels
The kids are running, a boundlessness I once knew
A bigger man would have to fall if guilt drained all his youth
Follow the river past the city gate
Near the county access is where I'll wait
And it's just a nightmare 'cause I'll never again see you
A bigger man would surely fall if he lost his love too
I could never be all you need me to
My punishment is living without you
I could never leave and come to comfort you
My guilt is not your burden now that you know it's true
Dress yourself in courage when you go down there
Tell the county courthouse just where I'll be
And don't ever look back, run as far as you can go
'Cause I'll never be able to love anymore
I could never be all you need me to
My punishment is living without you
I could never leave and come back home to you
Don't suffer for my fighting, don't sacrifice your view
I could never leave and come to comfort you
My punishment is living without you
I could never give a simple life to you
Don't suffer for my fighting, don't sacrifice your own view

---

Desmond Doyle

The Beginning is the End is the Beginning, by The Smashing Pumpkins.


Send a heartbeat to
The void that cries through you
Relive the pictures that have come to pass
For now we stand alone
The world is lost and blown
And we are flesh and blood disintegrate
With no more to hate

Is it bright where you are
Have the people changed
Does it make you happy you're so strange
And in your darkest hour
I hold secrets flame
We can watch the world devoured in its pain

Delivered from the blast
The last of a line of lasts
The pale princess of a palace cracked
And now the kingdom comes
Crashing down undone
And I am a master of a nothing place
Of recoil and grace

Is it bright where you are
Have the people changed
Does it make you happy you're so strange
And in your darkest hour
I hold secrets flame
We can watch the world devoured in its pain

Time has stopped before us
The sky cannot ignore us
No one can separate us
For we are all that is left
The echo bounces off me
The shadow lost beside me
There's no more need to pretend
Cause now I can begin again

Is it bright where you are
Have the people changed
Does it make you happy you're so strange
And in your darkest hour
I hold secrets flame
We can watch the world devoured in its pain
Strange
Strange
Strange

---

Nanda Indrani

Brighter Days, by 27.


you can have but cannot keep
you can sow but cannot reap
it gets dark so fast these days
assume the dawn then burn away

light years away
we're here to stay
and fade out

to feel your warmth and see it rise
with the future revolutionized
like some so decreed charade
(believing you were here to stay)
move closer just to see your face

light years apart
the mind is lost in the heart
light years away

looking on to brighter days
looking on to brighter days
looking on to brighter days

everything has gone from blue to grey
so show me to them, show me right away
the air is thin my head is spinning
when to stop where to begin

looking on to brighter days
looking on to brighter days
looking on to brighter days

holding on for brighter days

---

Elene Stavros

Wo Qui Non Coin, by The Seatbelts.


My puppy
isn't here
he has white feet and a white tail
we were together all the time

my puppy
isn't here
he has white ears and a white back
even though we were always together

My tears have dried up
everyday I hope
hurry
come back

rainy days and windy days
but everyday I know
I want you

so hurry, come back

---

Bastian Kovachev

I Grieve, by Peter Gabriel.



It was only one hour ago
It was all so different then
Theres nothing yet has really sunk in
Looks like it always did
This flesh and bone
Its just the way that you would tied in
Now theres no-one home

I grieve for you
You leave me
so hard to move on
Still loving whats gone
They say life carries on
Carries on and on and on and on

The news that truly shocks is the empty empty page
While the final rattle rocks its empty empty cage
And I cant handle this

I grieve for you
You leave me
Let it out and move on
Missing whats gone
They say life carries on
They say life carries on and on and on

Life carries on
In the people I meet
In everyone thats out on the street
In all the dogs and cats
In the flies and rats
In the rot and the rust
In the ashes and the dust
Life carries on and on and on and on
Life carries on and on and on

Its just the car that we ride in
A home we reside in
The face that we hide in
The way we are tied in
And life carries on and on and on and on
Life carries on and on and on

Did I dream this belief?
Or did I believe this dream?
Now I can find relief
I grieve

---

Aki de Leon

Carrion, by Fiona Apple.



Wont do no good to hold no seance
Whats gone is gone and you cant bring it back around
Wont do no good to hold no searchlight
You cant illuminate what time has anchored down

Oh, honey (Ive gone a-)
Oh, honey (Ive gone a-)
Oh, honey (Ive gone away)

Wont do no good to sing no love song
No sound could simulate the presence of a man
Wont do no good asking no questions
Your divination should acquaint you with the plan

Oh, honey (Ive gone a-)
Oh, honey (Ive gone a-)
Oh, honey (Ive gone away)

My feel for you, boy, is decaying in front of me
Like the carrion of murdered prey
And all I want is to save you, honey
Or the strength to walk away

Wont do no good to go no distance
The space between us is as boundless as the dark
Wont do no good to throw no fist, babe
You cant intimidate me back into your arms

Oh, honey (Ive gone a-)
Oh, honey (Ive gone a-)
Oh, honey (Ive gone away)

My feel for you, boy, is decaying in front of me
Like the carrion of a murdered prey
And all I want is to save you, honey
Or the strength to walk away

My feel for you, boy, is decaying in front of me
Like the carrion of a murdered prey
And all I want is to save you, honey
Or the strength to walk away

---

Seamus Walsh

Affirmation, by Savage Garden.



I believe the sun should never set upon an argument
I believe we place our happiness in other people's hands
I believe that junk food tastes so good because it's bad for you
I believe your parents did the best job they knew how to do
I believe that beauty magazines promote low self esteem
I believe I'm loved when I'm completely by myself alone

I believe in Karma what you give is what you get returned
I believe you can't appreciate real love 'til you've been burned
I believe the grass is no more greener on the other side
I believe you don't know what you've got until you say goodbye

I believe you can't control or choose your sexuality
I believe that trust is more important than monogamy
I believe your most attractive features are your heart and soul
I believe that family is worth more than money or gold
I believe the struggle for financial freedom is unfair
I believe the only ones who disagree are millionaires

I believe in Karma what you give is what you get returned
I believe you can't appreciate real love 'til you've been burned
I believe the grass is no more greener on the other side
I believe you don't know what you've got until you say goodbye

I believe forgiveness is the key to your own happiness
I believe that wedded bliss negates the need to be undressed
I believe that God does not endorse tv evangelists
I believe in love surviving death into eternity

I believe in Karma what you give is what you get returned
I believe you can't appreciate real love 'til you've been burned
I believe the grass is no more greener on the other side
I believe you don't know what you've got until you say goodbye(Repeat 2)
Until you say goodbye
Oh no no no no no ( Repeats itself many times fading)

---

Caroline Smith

All This Time, by The Heartless Bastards.



It's been a long day
When nothing seems to be going my way
I really don't need a lot
Just trying to hold on to what I got
Lord knows it's been a while
Since my face has cracked a smile
So hot in the midday sun
Seem to be burning everyone

Oh self destruction it is keeping me from functioning
I try to build things up
I build things up
And I tear them down
Oh I'm escaping
I'm escaping this big blue day
And now I'm trying
Trying to look out into the horizon

Oh I got no motivation
Oh I need some inspiration
Try and get some motivation
To help me
Help me get through this day
And then the winter comes
I'm hardly seeing any sun

Hibernation's taking me
Into a distant sleep
Lord knows it's been a while
Since my face has cracked a smile
So cold in the winter months
Seem to be chilling everyone

Oh self destruction it is keeping me from functioning
And I try to build things up
I build things up
And I tear them down
Oh I'm escaping
I'm escaping this big blue day
And now I am trying
Trying to look out into the horizon

Oh I've got no motivation
Oh I need some inspiration
I try and get some motivation
To help me
Help me get through this day
Oh I'm escaping
I'm escaping this big blue day
And now I am trying
Trying to look out into the horizon
Oh I'm escaping
I'm escaping this big blue day
And now I am trying
Trying to look out into the horizon

---

Keven Leoni

Narcissus, by Alanis Morisette


Dear momma's boy I know you've had your butt licked by your mother
I know you've enjoyed all that attention from her
And every woman graced with your presence after
Dear narcissus boy I know you've never really apologized for anything
I know you've never really taken responsibility
I know you've never really listened to a woman
Dear me-show boy I know you're not really into conflict resolution
Or seeing both sides of every equation
Or having an uninterrupted conversation
And any talk of healthiness
And any talk of connectedness
And any talk of resolving this
Leaves you running for the door
(why why do I try to love you
Try to love you when you really don't want me
To)
Dear egotist boy you've never really had to suffer any consequence
You've never stayed with anyone longer than ten minutes
You'd never understand anyone showing resistance
Dear popular boy I know you're used to getting everything so easily
A stranger to the concept of reciprocity
People honor boys like you in this society
And any talk of selflessness
And any talk of working at this
And any talk of being of service
Leaves you running for the door
(why why do I try to help you try to help you
When you really don't want me to)
You go back to the women who will dance the dance
You go back to your friends who will lick your ass
You go back to ignoring all the rest of us
You go back to the center of your universe
Dear self centered boy I don't know why I still feel affected by you
I've never lasted very long with someone like you
I never did although I have to admit I wanted to
Dear magnetic boy you've never been with anyone who doesn't take your shit
You've never been with anyone who's dared to call you on it
I wonder how you'd be if someone were to call you on it
And any talk of willingness
And any talk of both feet in
And any talk of commitment
Leaves you running for the door
(why why do I try to change you try to
Try to change you when you really don't
Want me to)
You go back to the women who will dance the dance
You go back to your friends who will lick your ass
You go back to being so oblivious
You go back to the center of the universe

---

The Ambient Music:

A Call of Compassion to Humanity, by Nawang Kechong. (Asha plays the Midbaran flute.)

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The Ambient Music:

Babylon Mood, by Hassan Tnnari. (Asha and Elene's first dance at the club.)

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The Ambient Music:

Wusul Ila Baghdad, by Mohamed Ali Ensemble. (Asha and Elene's second dance at the club.)

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The Ambient Music:

Leysh Nat'arak, by Natacha Atlas. (The dance with Elene that gets Asha seeded.)

Original Notes for Chapter 16

What follows are all the notes I have concerning Chapter 16. As you can see, things have changed. A lot. And that is why the chapter kicked my ass. Well, one of the reasons.

Before you ask, yes this is how most of the notes on my novel appear. Three paragraphs of pseudo-shorthand to make nine to thirteen pages of text. It's exhausting!

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Asha is cleaning her room to keep her focused. Nanda and Elene are in her head. He's doing dishes downstairs, thinking about the oddness of the material of the tableware, and Elene is in seminar on the Kiranese fleet, thinking about being a pilot. (PSYCHIC PILOT FTW)

Reid comes in. (The dynamic of this scene has completely changed. Fuck.)

“I've finally convinced them that it's good I don't use my talent. Unfortunately, the Fleet has decided if I don't help you with this they're expelling me.”

I can't tell if he's actually unhappy. It makes me alone. That must be why they want him with me. Otherwise I'd never know the feeling, and ho can I train if I don't know the feeling? His eyes are green and they are waiting for me to respond.

“Do you not want to?” I watch him grin with his mouth and keep secrets with his eyes.

“I don't want to get kicked out of the Fleet. You're better than exile.”

His flippancy makes me believe at least some part of him is looking forward to this. I ignore what he said like Desmond has told me not to. I want to goad him until he becomes readable.

“Thank you.”

He blinks. I feel successful even though he is empty.

“This will be fun,” I add, and he stares down at me. A few moments later, he begins to laugh. It is a pleasant sound, and I find myself smiling.

“You're an odd one.” I have to rely on the tone of his voice. There is no malice there, but the words still remind me of my father. This thought of Reid's and that of my father sound the same way when spoken aloud, but they're not actually the same at all. Again, I try to imagine what could have goaded Reid into shutting everyone out. He has to know how useless words are. “Not as strange as you, I think.”

“We'll see. I'm supposed to take you to a concert tonight. We'll be leaving in three hours.”

“What are we going to see?”

“I don't know. Whatever they picked out.” He turns his back on me and leaves without

another word.

-Asha talks to Caroline about Reid.

-Elene and Bastian? --> It is probably time they talked, too. Bastian needs more development.

-Has a normal moment with Nanda.

Chapter Fourteen

Here's a little snippet from my chapter notes detailing some of the actual conversation Reid and Elene had the night they went to the club. Enjoy!

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“Reid, what do you think you are doing to Asha? She just wants you to like her.”

“I'm a bad influence.”

“Oh, that is the stupidest thing I have heard you say in a long time!”

“What?”

“You're a good guy, Reid. You just also happen to be a sad guy. Don't let that fool you into

thinking that you don't deserve nice things.”

“What are you telling me to do, date her?”

“I'm not giving any advice on that score. I'm just telling you to be honest with yourself so you stop punishing her.”

“If anything, I'm punishing me.”

“Yeah, and that's stupid too. You've got enough to be miserable about. Don't make it worse over something so minor.”

“You trust me?”

“Yes.”

“Why?”

“That is none of your business.”

Behind the Scenes: Chapter 14

A lot of interesting thought and action went into creating this chapter, so I decided I should post some of it here for you all to enjoy. It may not occur to you, but I do my best to get their universe right down to the tiny details. For example, the songs Asha and Elene dance to in this chapter? They exist. As do all the flute pieces Asha plays in other chapters.

But I am getting ahead of myself. The real reason why this chapter took so long is that I found myself having difficulty actually doing this to Asha. She used to be my least favorite narrator of the three, but as she has grown into herself I have found myself more and more enamoured with her. She's the most interesting, engaging, and challenging voice to write, for one. For another, I find her ability to forgive and accept almost inspiring. The Asha in my notes is bitter at this point in the novel, but the character she has become refuses to be so. And the weird thing is? It works well.

Some of you may think it is sad that I had a problem doing that to a character. "They're not real," after all. But I spend a great deal of time with them, and I know more about them than will likely ever make it into the book. And, I firmly believe that characters are an aspect of the writer or people the writer is closely associated with. This means that setting her up to be almost raped put me, and my best friends, in that position as well. When you think about it from that perspective, it makes a great deal more sense.

But there was more to it than that. I had to create an entirely new setting for this chapter, which takes more time than you would think. Not only that, but I had to familiarize myself with an entirely new narrative voice. It doesn't matter that Elene took over for less than a single page--that was some of the slowest and intense writing of the chapter. Then, there was deciding how I was going to describe what Asha was going through. Would she understand? How quickly would her control crumble? How do I show her being seeded while still maintaining enough clarity to keep the reader aware of what is going on? Finally, I had to decide how to handle Asha's frequent loss of consciousness. When people faint, they usually don't think "And then I fainted." (This is both an excellent perk of first-person and a terrible downside.)

Okay. In order of appearance, the three songs I used to write the dancing section. The first two are traditional bellydance pieces that would be most like what Asha had learned to (and that I, coincidentally, learned to myself). The third is an Egyptian pop piece that I decided would be most like true Midbaran music--traditional roots heavily twisted and twined with electronics. Yes, all of these songs are just chilling in my music library; why do you ask?







Hope this was interesting!

Behind the Scenes: Chapter 23

Okay, I need to preface this. OH MY GOD have I been worried about this chapter since I started writing the book! There are three I was tweaking over, and at least I am through two of them. Chapter 21 was the first, Chapter 23 is the second, and the third is...a secret because I don't want Maddo to panic.

My notes for this chapter are a mess. Some are stricken, some double-stricken. I have conversations with myself in sections, and epiphanies are bolded. If anything were to ever be made public to prove I am insane, this chapter's notes would be the best place to start. (I can admit that here because I trust those of you who read this implicitly. :D) But it was for a good reason.

Think of all the times you've seen a coma/sick/dying scene. Think of all the times the victim magically comes back and they share a heartfelt moment. Think of how easy that would be to write, but also of how thoroughly un- Asha-and-Reid this would be! Secondly, if I did that, it would cheapen Reid's emotional display.

The reason why my notes look schizophrenic is because I was trying as hard as I could to slip away from the cliche. There is nothing sexy or romantic about this. It's awkward. Reid's awkward. She's completely limp in his arms, and he's tired from holding her up. He has a nervous breakdown, essentially, and after he's finally given up, she comes to, completely normal, and has what I think is the most Asha-esque moment to date. Nothing goes "right," but I am convinced this is what would really happen. They are not a couple for cliche.

And there's my .02...

Behind the Scenes: Chapter 11

If you've been wondering what Asha playing a Midbaran-style flute would sound like, wonder no more. My music library shall once again come to your rescue.


a call of compassion to humanity