Chapter Thirty-Five: Nanda

When I left Kiran it surprised me how much events there influenced my days here. Bastian surprised me my first full morning on Oceanus by messaging me and telling me what everyone was up to. Because of the time difference between the planets, messages he sent at night I would get during my morning, which worked out fine for us once we had gotten in the habit of communication. At first I was resentful that he spoke to me at all. I thought I did not want to know what they were doing.

He and I had never been very good friends while I was there, but we got along well long-distance. Unlike the stronger empaths I knew, he was good with words. This surprised me, at first, because of how quiet he always was in person. Later it occurred to me that he must not have always been quiet. And, I admitted at last, I was pleased that he appeared to miss me. Elene and I had never gotten along because of how grating she was on my nerves, but I liked her anyway, and was happy to find that Bastian did not hold my inability to handle her emotiveness against me.

But I did not know how much I enjoyed our messages until the black-out deprived me of them entirely. I decided to keep sending mine along anyway in the hopes that he would get them once the government gave their wristbands back their power. By the end I was beginning to worry that he would never get them, that he was dead, but the same day feeds begin coming from the planet again I receive a video message from him. I sit down to watch it as soon as I am dressed.

“Figured you'd be worried I was alive, so thought I'd prove it,” he smiles. His arms are lacerated and raw and bloody. I recognize the signs of fire. “Left me plenty of stuff in my inbox, that's for sure. Was up all night reading.”

He sounds grumpy, but I know him well enough by now to understand that he is not good at being happy.

Bastian speaks about the fires, and the fighting, and about how everyone is safe. “Elene broke her arm, but the rest of us only have minor bruises and scrapes. Desmond found Asha, which I know will make you sleep better. No one knows where Reid is, though.” A pause. He stares into the camera for a few moments and I wish I had been there to feel what he was thinking. Asha told me that they had been getting along better. Is he worried and hoping that Reid is safe? Or is he hoping something far less pleasant? I am not even sure if I want him to be found, which does not make me feel like a very good person.

“Your feeds'll probably tell you, but Asha's trial begins next week. People here are talking about Desmond being fired, but Asha'd be dead if it weren't for him so I don't see that happening.” The screen fills with a photo of Asha. I assume Caroline had sent it along to him. There is a new scar on her face, and her hair....

“Figure you're looking at the same thing that left me speechless. Think she looks good, but why the fuck they cut her hair off....” Bastian shakes his head. “Can't imagine she's happy about it. Elene just keeps lamenting that she won't be able to braid Asha's hair anymore. Was over the shock in five minutes. So maybe Asha was too. Don't know the culture as well as you do, obviously. They won't let us talk to her, though, which is driving Seamus insane. Thinks this is all his fault, the poor bastard.”

It is not his fault. It is Rayland's. I know a good hunter when I see one, and from a distance everything over there reeks of a trap. Asha had sprung Seamus and gotten caught herself. And now she did not look like a Native.

But she was not one. She never had been. I go back in the feed and stare at her for several minutes while I drink my morning tea, trying to see her as a Kiranese would.

“Who is that, Nanda-ku?” The boss' daughter is in the door with breakfast. She cooks for all the employees, which is nice when it does not make me feel lazy and useless. Sometimes she lets me help with the dishes after.

“That, Jyoti, is Asha.”

She drops my breakfast and makes me realize that I am hungry. I should not have been so blunt.

“...Are you all right?” Jyoti falls to her feet and begins to clean the fish rice from my floor. At least the bowl did not break.

“I think that it looks good on her.”

She stares at me in surprise. “I agree, I just did not think you would say so. It brings out her eyes.” Jyoti's were blue, as well. Her mother had been a half-breed Native born on Midbar where such eyes were pretty instead of horrifying.

“She has always had a nice neck. The short hair shows it well.”

Jyoti's face freezes. She does not like it when I compliment Asha because it makes her feel unimportant. She speaks the next words in Midbaran, which I still only partially understand. The meaning in her mind remains clear regardless: “Let me bring you new bowl, Nanda-ku.”

Before she turns to go I grab her by the wrist. “I have not thanked you for breakfast recently, Jyoti-na. You are a good cook.”

There is her smile again. I realize that I am glad to see it as she leaves to bring me another serving of breakfast. While I wait I stare at the screen and try to get used to how huge Asha's eyes look without all her hair. She has lost weight, or she seems smaller without the braid. I am not sure. I wish that she were smiling in the photo.

Oh. Bastian's message. I hit play again.

“Desmond says they'll be starting the trial soon. Aki's foaming at the mouth and demanding he come back to the university. Desmond says he'll probably be court-martialed soon for doing that feed and leaving to find Asha. Elene's worried she'll have a different teacher for her fourth year.”

I think of Desmond's face during the feed that caused all of this. He had looked like a man willing to lose his job. He was likely prepared for the worst, but Asha will not be happy if he is fired.

Not just Asha. I think of the students at the University and of how angry they all are. Firing Desmond is the worst thing that the Fleet could do to maintain peace on the campus. He is everyone's favorite teacher.

“Caroline left too,” Bastian's voice continues. “She doesn't sound like she's in trouble like Desmond is, but I don't know if anyone will care if she gets fired.”

“Nanda-ku?” Jyoti is in the door again. I see that she has two bowls and beckon her over so that we can eat together.

“Who is that?” She takes a bite of rice and stares at the screen.

“One of my friends from Kiran. Bastian.”

“From Newearth?”

I nod and chew. Her fish rice is very good, spicier than the Oceanans tend to make it. I prefer the spice because I am not used to the flavor of fish from salt water. Asha's village and mine had been inland. I am not sure there is even a Native word for it.

“His eyes are so pale. It is strange.” Bastian's are blue like ice instead of deep ocean water. I was told in my science class that it is a different type of eye color, but the Kiranese blue overpowers it and so now only people with no Kiranese blood at all can have eyes that pale. Since most empaths have Kiranese blood these days, his eyes are even more unusual. Maybe one day all the people in the Consortium will have blue eyes, just like all the Natives have brown.

“He is a strange man. Very sad. I am surprised he talks to me at all.”

Jyoti laughs. “You are both sad. Of course he talks to you. Most people do not know what it is like.” When I do not respond, she shakes her head. “I wish that I did. Maybe then you would be less lonely.”

“I am happier here than I have been anywhere in years.”

“Yes, and that makes it even more sad.” She shakes her head and sighs.

“You should not frown because of me. You are not a sad person.”

“I am when I am around you. I will see you at work, Nanda-ku.” She takes the bowl from my hand and leaves without looking at me again.

Was this how Asha felt around me? Poor Jyoti. No. She would not want my pity. The only reason I stayed with Asha as long as I did was because she did not give me any, either.

I do not have time for all of Bastian's message before my shift begins. I spend my work hours hauling crates off a shuttle and return to my room both mentally and physically exhausted. But he will be waiting for a response, and so I listen to the rest instead of going to bed. Elene shows up near the end and waves and laughs at the recorder, which makes me even more tired. She and Asha together had always been overpowering unless Seamus was there to temper them both.

I am about to reply when the message light blinks on. I accept it and see Bastian and Seamus, whose face is thin and his hair curly and far longer than I had ever seen it on him. It grew out around his face and made his head seem large compared to Bastian's.

“Nanda,” Seamus smiles weakly. “You're a sight for sore eyes.”

I have to think hard to remember what that really means. “I have missed you, too.”

“We've got some news. Thought you'd want to hear.” Bastian rubs at one of his arms and winces as a scab pulls loose. I cannot tell where they are at the University because the recorder is closed in on them. Maybe they do not want me to know because there is a lot of damage.

“How is everything?”

“One of the dorms is gone, and half the Midbarans had their things destroyed. Again. Could be better.” His jaw is clenched and I think back to watching the feeds with him and know that worse has happened.

“Things have mostly settled down, though, ” Seamus adds. The rings under his eyes make me feel like a coward for leaving.

“I was going to respond to your message just now,” I begin.

“Sorry. Don't feel rushed. It's just....” He trails off and begins to rub at his face.

Seamus puts a hand on his shoulder. “Bastian, if Elene is that upset you should see to her.”

“I—I'm sorry, Nanda.” He disappears off the screen and Seamus shakes his head.

“The Fleet sent soldiers to collect Desmond today. He refused to leave Asha, and so they dragged him back here by force. He's locked in the administration building and no one is allowed to see him until he's spoken with the Admiral.”

“And Elene...?”

“She can feel him. She's mostly upset because he is. But she misses Asha so much that she doesn't want to leave Desmond.”

“How are you doing?”

Another wan smile. “I'm too tired to feel much of anything anyone else does. It's how I used to control myself before I came here. Stay awake long enough, and all that's left in your head is you.”

“Seamus, you need sleep.”

“When I can find a place to, I will.” We are both quiet as he rubs his neck. “We could use you here, you know. Bastian doesn't want to tell you because he's worried you'll feel obligated to come back, but I think you've got more spine than that.”

I pause and figure out what he means. “Thank you. It is nice to feel wanted.”

His eyes dart to where Bastian had walked away. They must all be sleeping in the same building. “Ever have any second thoughts?”

“After work shifts like this? Definitely. And every time I see Asha's face on the feed panel.”

Bastian ducks back into the feed panel. “She's finally asleep. And it can't be all that bad on Oceanus, Nanda, you whiner. Got pretty girls bringing you tea at bedtime.” His lopsided smile is fixed on someone over my shoulder. I know who it is before I turn to look. All the employees here live in the same series of rooms, and Jyoti and I are the only two even close to each others' ages. The boss had told me before we left that was one of the main reasons why he had asked me to come along. She had not had many friends before I arrived, so now that I was here she stopped by often. I did not mind; after Old Earth, and Hanakawa, it was strange to be alone so often.

Jyoti smiles back at the feed panel. “Hello, Bastian. And I'm sorry,” she says to Seamus, “but I don't know your name. Nanda rarely talks, you see.”

Seamus grins. “Sit down! I'd love to meet one of Nanda's new friends!”

“Jyoti,” I mutter in Native. “You could have told me that you were there. I was not trying to be rude.”

“I did not want to interrupt!” She sits down next to me and offers me a mug of tea. “You're not trying to steal him away, are you?” Her Kiranese is flawless.

“No, we just miss him.” Bastian winks, and as Jyoti giggles I have a brief insight into what he must have been like before Natalya died and left him empty.

“Good. We'd be lost without him here.”

“Yes, who would move all those heavy boxes?” Thankfully, she laughs at me. “But Bastian, what is going to happen?”

His smile fades. “To Desmond? If it's much more than a slap on the wrist, gonna have another riot, so hope for the best.”

“And what about Caroline? You mentioned her earlier.”

“She's still with Asha. Says we need someone there to keep her safe. More people have gotten that photo of her lip and hair, so they agreed with Caroline and let her stay.” He picks at another scab on his arm. At first I had thought they were ash burns, but I remember how plastic melts and am no longer sure. There was not enough wood in the buildings for them to burn like I had seen in the feeds. Whatever they were made of must have caught fire. “Thinking about volunteering to go myself, if they'll even take empaths for it.”

“But what about your studies?”

Seamus' face falls, and Bastian is silent for a long time. “My teacher's dead, so wouldn't be missing much.”

Eric? My stomach knots and I almost drop the tea Jyoti brought for me.

“Sorry. Was hoping not to tell you that.”

“...I should be there.” Jyoti puts her hand on my shoulder and shakes her head, but I keep talking. “I should be helping.”

“This might not make much sense to you, Nanda, but I feel better knowing at least one of the people I care about is safe.” Seamus rubs at his ribs and winces. “Please stay that way, or I'll never get any sleep.”

“Isn't one of your friends missing?” Jyoti asks him, and I stare at her in surprise.

“Guess if you have to call him that,” Bastian mutters, then winces as Seamus punches him in the shoulder. “Reid Addison. Was with Asha in the Capital the day she was taken and no one's heard from him since.”

“Maybe we could help by looking for him.” I shake my head, but she hits me and makes them both giggle. “We've gotten good at finding lost people since Midbar kicked us out. If he left the planet we might be able to track him.”

“I am not sure this is a good idea,” I mutter to Jyoti in Native, but she frowns at me and answers in Kiranese.

“Do you not want to find him?” When Bastian laughs, she stops smiling and glares at all three of us. I suddenly wish that she knew more about me so that we would not be stuck in this situation.

“Reid was last seen with Asha,” Seamus explains delicately.

Jyoti's response is far more blunt. “Oh, he's the one she left you for, Nanda?”

All three of us go silent, and I try not to think about how Asha looked on the green. Barefoot, bruised, covered in his teeth marks and his smell. I try not to think about how my innards had felt when she admitted he had seen her hair loose. Left was not the correct term. She had blindsided me with him, because I was an idiot and did not want to admit that she had never been mine.

When no one speaks, she frowns at each of us in turn. “So who cares? If we find him it might help everyone figure out what's going on over on your wreck of a planet, right?”

“I like this one, Nanda,” Bastian laughs. “She's gonna be good for you.”

Jyoti's smile brightens. “I'm glad I'm not the only one who thinks that. Now he'll have to listen to me.”

“Can you send us over some images of him, and figure out his father's name?” I do not want to do this, but I also do not want to be useless. And Asha would want him back.

“We'll try,” Seamus replies. “Might take a couple of days to track down a teacher who can do it. Aki's not seeing any students right now, and there are still a few dozen students unaccounted for, so the administration is swamped.”

“We know exactly where they are, Seamus!” Bastian snarls and points at his arms. “They're dead inside the building that did this to my arms!”

Seamus shakes his head and looks at me again. “The cafeteria collapsed. It caught fire on the first day.”

Bastian rubs at his neck. “Sorry. Didn't want to tell you that, either.”

“We do have feeds here, Bastian. I would have found out eventually.”

He shrugs.

“Which reminds me,” I add. “What happened to Jaden?”

Bastian snorts. “That guy? He's fine. Reason Elene's arm is broken. Back at his house, sifting through footage.”

Seamus frowns. “You're just mad that he likes Elene. I keep telling you that it's a compliment, but you insist on being possessive.”

Bastian's cheeks redden, and he turns to face the screen again. “Should let you sleep now, if you even can after what we've told you.”

“No, keep me updated. Please. I was afraid that you all had died.”

“Not yet, anyway.” Jyoti does not appreciate Bastian's sense of humor, and so he moves on. “I'll send you another message as soon as we know what'll happen to Desmond.” The feed panel goes black. I feel drained.

“Are you mad at me?” Her voice is soft, and her face is hidden by her hair as she bends to collect my tea cup from the table.

I shake my head. “I am just tired, Jyoti-na. I would love for you to help me find our friend.”

She takes her leave, and I try to sleep, but my mind keeps going back to the size of the cafeteria and wondering just how many students the University had lost to the flames.