Chapter 25: Asha

Elene is sulking on her bed against the far wall of our room, thinking idly of the feel of Bastian's lips on her ear and insisting that I have packed as much as I possibly can. On my bed sit piles of things she tells me I'll need. Toiletries. A word I had never had to use before today. I can't finish putting it all together until the bag is delivered, but I am restless. Everyone else is restless, too, and it is making it worse. Or, it is the true reason why I am so nervous. Ever since I came back I haven't been sure who is doing what to me.

Elene's eyes move to the window, and we both notice how dark it is getting. She groans and sits up.

“Asha!” Her voice startles me because we haven't spoken aloud in hours. The air in the room changes into something less peaceful, and I swallow, readying my voice for use. My vocal cords feel stiff and thick. I slump to the floor with my catskin, stroking the fur determinedly, and watch the way the sunlight from the window makes her hair shimmer.

“I am sorry, Elene.” The ceiling is covered with colored flecks of light from a mobile she hung in the window a few days ago. I am momentarily blinded by a flash of purple.

“We've been at this for hours now. You've got all you need. Can we please go do something now? We haven't done anything fun in ages!” She shows me again how much she missed me, and I feel guilty for leaving her alone for as long as I did.

“Seamus needed me,” I start, but she cuts me off with a nod. She would have done the same thing.

“We haven't gone dancing in a while,” she muses, kicking her feet in the air like she is swimming.

“Do you know what music is playing tonight?” Now the ceiling is covered in flecks of red. I hear the gunshot again, and we shudder at the sensation of the weapon in my hands. I've never liked how metal steals heat from skin to beome warm.

“No, but you can dance to anything.”

“So can you,” I grin. Elene is fun to dance with. “Yes, I think we should dance.”

We're almost out the door of Hanakawa before we realize she has no pants on and I am missing my shoes. Unfortunately, we can't remember where we put them at first, and no one else is around to help us remember. Seamus would have known, even if he were in class. Diane would have known, too, because my shoes would have given her something to be angry about. Nanda would have brought me my shoes before I knew I needed them. I find them in the kitchen just as Elene discovers she accidentally folded her pants in with my laundry to be packed. Moments like this make me dread ever being truly alone. But, as Elene points out, at least we can't forget where the dance hall is.

The walk there is pleasant, even though it reminds me yet again how much I strained my body. We have to go more slowly than usual because I keep running out of breath but it does not matter because the sunset is pretty and the air smells more alive than usual. It feels like the campus is making up for all my lost time by inundating me with stronger sensations. This thought makes Elene giggle.

“Nothing has changed except you, silly.” She tugs on my braid like Reid does when he is teasing me, but I do not smile. No matter what she says, things have felt strange since I came back. The doctors say I am fine, but Desmond thinks I have been more subdued than usual. Reid is sure it is just exhaustion, but that makes no sense because I did nothing but sleep for almost two weeks.

“It wasn't real sleep,” Elene reminds me, taking my hand and setting me down on a bench on the pathside. I don't realize how winded I am until I am no longer walking.

“My body has betrayed me,” I gasp. My tongue is demanding water.

“Maybe we'll just listen to the music today.” Elene tries to keep me from feeling how worried she is, but it doesn't work. I smile at her.

“Reid is going with me to the Capitol, Elene. I will be fine.”

“Have you been eating?”

I never realized how much Nanda took care of me until he was gone. Now that I think about it, I can't remember the last time I ate. But I am not hungry. Do I trust my stomach, or my brain? Elene shakes her head.

“I guess he took care of me, too. And I thought it was me growing up.” Her voice sounds mutinous. It's nice to know I am not the only one who resents how completely he was there for me. Even if I do miss it. Three times a day I think of messaging him, asking him to come back, but then I manage to do something on my own and suddenly the urge is gone. I think that means I want him back for the wrong reasons.

By the time I feel strong enough to keep walking the sun has set, and the campus is filled with cool evening air which hugs my bare skin pleasantly. Elene hauls me up by the elbow, guiding me down the path, and we don't have to stop again until we arrive at the club.

It used to be hard to walk through the doors. For the longest time my emotions associated the smells and the sound with Keven, and I was too nerous to go back in there no matter how pretty the music sounded. But Keven has been banned from the club and isn't allowed to speak to me, so after a lot of yelling from Reid I started going again. He's not a bad dancer, either, which helped. I wanted to spend time with him, so I made myself get used to going inside and getting back on the dance floor. But there is that one brief moment before I enter the doorway where I am terrified that I will walk in and see him there, waiting for me. Elene tells me that feeling may never go away, which is why she never mentions that I haven't worn the shirt she gave me, or the dancing pants, in a year. I take a breath and walk decidedly through the entryway.

As always, the music hits me like a blow. The feeling I've been told is the bass settles comfortably into the pit of my stomach, and my ears adjust to the deafening tones of guitar. It is Kiranese night. Of course. I am still getting used to the style. It doesn't help that they scream their words so it's almost impossible for me to understand what they are saying. Elene giggles at me and gives my arm another tug once I assure her that I feel strong enough for at least one dance. We are on the tiled floor before my eyes are used to the lights, and the crowd splits to give us room because they love watching us. I haven't become used to that yet, either. No one on this planet knows how to dance.

Elene finds the beat before I do and settles down into a jerking, twitching motion she assures me is how people dance to Kiranese music. I try to follow along, but give up and do what I am used to instead. Kiranese music is too erratic. Kiranese dancing is even worse. She switches over to my way with a sigh and then is surprised to discover it actually works. I lose time as the beat takes me over, and would have kept going on forever if my body hadn't reminded me it needed attention after only two songs. The feeling of weakness is sudden. I sway and hit the floor, and the crowd parts nervously.

“Elene, is she okay?” asks a low voice. Familiar to the pit of my stomach, but my brain can't place the pitch.

“Yes, she's just tired.” Distracted. Her hands reach down and pull me back to my feet, but I stagger again as the emotions of the crowd hit me.

“Wh-what?” I stare around and realize the eyes looking back are hostile.

“Why is she even here?” the voice continues. Someone from one of my classes last year. “She's already made a couple hundred people collapse, so why are you here giving her another chance?”

Elene stares at the man with an open mouth, for once at a loss for words. I remember throwing a desk at him and start to shrug it off until I realize that people agree with him. Something else stirs in my mind and I remember where I know this feeling. It's just like being in my village back home.

“Are you insane?” Elene manages finally. “That was an accident!”

“Was it?” yells another voice from the bar, and my spine tightens reflexively. I know that voice. I haul myself up onto Elene's arms and stare around defiantly, but my eyes are crying.

“You're not supposed to be here,” Elene says, stepping forward to shield me from the tall blonde approaching, beer in hand. She surreptitiously presses a button on my wristband. Reid.

“There's some debate about that, actually,” Keven says, smiling down at me in a way that reminds me of Rayland's predatory teeth.

“Keven.” I wipe my eyes and work on shutting everyone out but the room is oppressively hot and they are angry and I am so tired. It would be so much easier to just make them shut down so I could be alone—

No! What am I thinking?

“Asha. You're looking well, considering.” He steps a little too close and I flinch away.

“Why are you here?” Elene snaps, wedging herself in between us again.

“Like I said, there's some debate about whether or not I should be banned from here. What happened last year, they thought I seeded her. Now some of us are wondering if she seeded me.” He gestures at me with his beer, and some of it spills, sending a spray of breadsmell into the air.

Anger flares inside me and I feel my cheeks grow warm. He laughs as Elene's shoulders tense. “See? Asha, it's so easy for you.”

“You are an idiot, Keven.” Why is my voice shaking? Where is Reid? The room is getting hotter and the band isn't playing anymore and everyone is staring.

“I don't know. You had no problem making an entire camp of empaths collapse just because your precious Seamus fucked up. How hard could it have been for you to let me take the fall when Reid caught you seeding me and assumed you were the one being victimized?”

My hand flies out before my brain tells it to, but he's ready for me because he's baiting me. His hand clasps my wrist and he hauls me into him, twisting so I'm down on my knees, staring up at his angry red face. Elene lunges for Keven, but someone else blocks her. I tell her to stop, but the other person thinks he is the one who changed her mind.

“Let me go.” I glare up at him, and he yanks on my arm roughly in response. Dull pain seeps into the joint of my elbow, but I stop Elene again. She has never hunted. She does not know what to do. Keven is thinking that because I am small I will be easy to overpower. He is wrong. Even Reid has trouble, and he is bigger than Keven.

“Let me go,” I repeat.

“Not until I get an apology.” He pulls me slightly closer, and I feel heat radiating from his body. I recognize the smell, now. Reid made sure of that. He's drunk.

“I have nothing to apologize for.”

He twists my arm again, but this time I flex with it and slip free of his grasp. His reflexes are slow and sweat makes his hands slippery. I step out of range before he can reach for me again.

“You don't think you need to apologize for ruining my life?” he snarls, throwing his arms out wide for emphasis. More beer smell.

“I did not seed you.” My voice is soft, but it seems to have carried well, because people in the back of the crowd start to shift uncertainly. They were expecting guilt.

“How can you prove that?” Keven steps closer again, and the contents of his mind make me want to retch.

“Why would I seed you? I did not want you!”

He laughs derisively. “No? And what, I wanted you?”

I stare at him, and his smile falters as he remembers the time he saw me naked. How much he liked it. The empaths in the crowd remember it alongside us, and more than one sneers in revulsion at his thoughts.

“Keven. You know I did not want you.”

His mind stumbles drunkenly. He is losing momentum and it is making him angry. On cue, Reid shoves through the crowd. His arms envelop me protectively, and he fixes his eyes on Keven coldly. “What, am I going to have to beat your nose in again?”

The drink in Keven's hand slides to the floor, bouncing its contents across my shaking legs. He falls to his knees and looks me in the eyes, and I feel liquid seeping into the cloth on his shins.

“What is it about you? You make people do so many stupid things.”

“Trust me, Keven. I know,” Reid replies from above me, tightening his grip reassuringly to soften his words.

“I just wanted someone different.” His eyes are tearing up. If he cries here I know he will never forgive me, not with all the eyes-ears-minds focusing in. I break free of Reid's arms and move to him, slumping into the spilled alcohol alongside him.

“Keven, stop. I have forgiven you. You were drunk.”

“Asha,” he starts, but his voice cracks.

“Have you tried to do that to anyone else since?” I answer his unspoken question.

He shakes his head.

“Then you are not a bad person. Please stop doing this.”

My body can't take much more. My elbow still hurts and the heat of all the other people is stealing away the little energy I had left after the dance. I can feel my mind slowly diffusing. They don't want me here. They're scared of me.

“No,” I say without realizing, looking around at the crowd. None of them meet my eyes. “No! I have done nothing wrong! Why are you all afraid of me?”

The ground shakes, and I begin to slide over, but Reid is there. Soon he has me in his arms again and I am being pulled away from the dance hall and into the cool night air, leaving Keven alone and sad in the mass of people I thought were on my side. No. Why are there sides at all? Elene gives me a quick hug and moves back inside—to Keven's side—leaving me alone with Reid.

“I did nothing wrong!” I look up at Reid but he is blurry. No. My eyes are crying again.

“Asha, stop. I know. I know.” His arms move to comfort me, but I shove them away.

“Why are they afraid of me?”

He sighs. “You know why.” I see all the empaths collapsed in the camp, surrounding me in a tangle of interrupted motion, and feel his horror. I was not there for the worst of it, and he does not think I understand just how much damage I did. But I do. I always do.

“Just because I can do these things does not mean I will! Do they think I like being able to make people collapse? To make them angry?”

He tenses visibly, and his mind snaps shut. “What?”

“I know what I am, Reid.” My voice is barely working because my body is still insisting on crying.

I look up at him, and his face is terribly sad. “Oh, Asha.”

“I have been pretending that I do not know for you and Desmond, because I did not want to make you sad. But I do know!” My legs stop working and I slide to the grass, but this time instead of holding me up Reid comes with me. His warmth and the cold of the turf tangle together and confuse my nerves enough to give me clarity again.

“Asha, I wish you had told me.” Reid sounds genuinely hurt.

“I did not want to worry you.”

He laughs. “And here I thought I was the only one who made stupid decisions in our relationship.”

“Why would I let you have all the fun?” I mutter sullenly into his shoulder.

“Asha, be serious.”

“Fine. I was afraid if you knew I knew you would think I had—“ I trail off, but he rubs my shoulder.

“I'm in this of my own free will, Asha. I am certain of that.”

Moments pass. People walk by and pretend not to see us sprawled in the dirt. Any other day Reid would have tried to get me to stand by now, but he seems content and oblivious to anyone who stares. I wonder which one of us has changed more?

“Thank you for coming with me to the Capitol. I do—I do not think I can do this on my own. Desmond scared me trying to get me to remember things I had no idea I even needed to know.”

Reid strokes my hair gently. “I will do what I can, Asha. But I want you to know I think this is a bad idea.” When he feels my muscles tense, he sighs and continues. “No. I want to help Seamus, too. But this is dangerous. And I can only—Desmond can only—we can only protect you from so much.”

“But I have not done anything wrong!”

He starts to speak. Stops. Starts again even while he is still afraid to hear the answer. “Asha, did you seed the crowd the day Nanda cornered me?”

“Yes. They were going to hurt you!”

“But you still broke the law.” His voice is patient, but I can feel his anger.

“By helping break up a fight?”

“Yes!” he snarls, looking down at me accusingly. “Yes!”

“This planet makes no sense!” I stand on my own, ignoring my elbow and legs, and he frowns up at me.

“Asha, I'm not mad.”

“Ha!”

“No! I'm worried!” He slams his fists into the ground for emphasis. “I want you to understand what you are getting yourself into because I know Desmond well enough to realize he is going to try to protect you from the scary reality until the last possible moment.”

“Just because he thinks he can keep me safe does not make him an—“ I start, but he cuts me off.

“We can't keep you safe forever, Asha. I don't want to go with you as some sort of glorified bodyguard. If that's what you're looking for, I'm not what you need.”

“Damnit, Reid, I do not need you at all!” He looks up at me, stunned, and I coninue before his feelings have time to be hurt. “I want you with me because I want you with me. I can handle this on my own. I just—“ I pause to hold out a hand to help him up. “I want someone to be there when I am done at the end of the day. I do not want to have to miss you and be scared at the same time.”

Reid stares at me for a moment, then wraps his arms around me again, lowering his face to the top of my head and inhaling my hair.

“I can do that much, at least.”