Chapter Eighteen: Desmond

Chapter Eighteen: Desmond

I step into the entryway of Hanakawa and add my shoes to the tidy row to the left of the arch. “Asha?”

A clattering noise comes from the kitchen, but no one responds. “Asha?” I repeat, and this time a quiet voice answers me.

“I am in here, Desmond.”

I can tell the instant she comes into my line of sight that she is almost completely gone, which explains why she is late for our meeting. Her feet are bare and dirty, her hair has been braided crookedly, and the shirt she is wearing is easily five sizes too big and misbuttoned. Her hands are plunged into the sink, covered in soap. Almost every surface in the kitchen shows signs of having been recently cleaned. She does not look at me when I enter.

“Oh, no. Asha-na, what has happened?” It comes out in Native, and I kick myself for it.

She shakes her head slowly and does not answer, instead focusing on the plate in her hands. I recognize this habit. Most empaths clean when they are stressed because the action forces them to stay focused. With her, this is a terrible sign.

“Where is Elene?” Another headshake. The dorm is oddly quiet. I consider asking Nanda's whereabouts, but this could just as easily have been his doing.

“No,” she murmurs.

“Asha?”

“Nanda is...” her hands shake, and she sways against the counter. “No!” As she says this I hear footsteps in the hall. Caroline comes in at a full run, hair wild, face flushed.

“Oh! Desmond! Is she not answering your pages, either?” She fixes Asha with a stare I have learned to fear. Asha's knees buckle, and she sags to the floor of the kitchen, trailing soap flumes from her hands.

“Girls, what's going on?”

Caroline rolls her eyes at me. “Can either one of you tell me why there is an angry mob of empaths, lead by Nanda, surrounding Reid on the green?”

Tears begin to slide down Asha's cheeks. Part of me wants to reach out and comfort her, but it's not my job and it won't be good for her in the long run.

“Nanda...” Asha begins, and then makes a small choking sound.

“Asha, please,” I start, but Caroline cuts me off.

“No. Desmond, this is serious. We're about to have a riot on our hands, and everyone is telling me it's Asha's doing, somehow, but no one will tell me what happened. Asha, speak to me. Now.” Her voice is icy.

Asha begins swaying back and forth, hands pressed hard against the tile of the floor. I haven't seen her this upset in months. “I cannot, I cannot, I cannot...”

“Asha,” Caroline repeats.

“No!” Asha flings the plate in her hands and it careens through the air, sending soap droplets at Caroline's face before shattering against the wall a foot to the left of her ear. I make a move for Asha, but am warded off by a shake of Caroline's head. She sinks to her knees in front of Asha and forces her to make eye contact.

“Asha. Talk to me. Reid's in trouble and I need to know how to calm everyone down.”

“I cannot, I cannot, I cannot...” She is still shaking her head. Caroline grabs her by the shoulders and gives her a small shake. Asha winces and jerks away from her touch. The shirt she is wearing slides off one of her shoulders, and a series of dark purple bruises become visible from underneath the cloth. Caroline gives a short gasp, glances at me, and then sighs softly.

“Now those are marks I recognize.”

Asha nods and lunges for her, tears streaming down her face, and Caroline gives her a tight hug. I feel very silly just standing here, waiting to be let in on what's going on. Neither of them bother, so I step over and begin to clean up the plate shards, trusting that Caroline will be able to handle this.

“Is that why Nanda is angry?” Her voice is unusually gentle. I look at her out of the corner of my eye. Cradling Asha, hand smoothing back her hair. I'd never thought of Caroline as mother material. The image is oddly painful.

Asha nods up at her and gives a little half-sob.

“Should he be angry?” She emphasizes the first word delicately, and I experience a flash of understanding. Suddenly, I am very happy Caroline is here. I never have any idea how to handle situations caused by my empaths' social lives in the best of circumstances. With Reid and Asha, I am even less certain than usual.

“No.” Her voice is soft, but firm.

“Then you have to go calm them down.”

She starts shaking her head again, but Caroline snaps her fingers in front of Asha's eyes. “Listen! What's the point of all the work you did with Desmond if you can't keep two of your friends from beating each other senseless?”

“They are all yelling in my head,” she manages.

“Then get them out!” Caroline barks.

The transformation is almost instantaneous. She blinks, and all of the sudden the woman we have been training her to become is standing before us both. Asha looks down at her shirt and sighs. “I am never going to get the hang of buttons.”

“Here, I'll do you up,” Caroline says, reaching for the shirt, which I now recognize as Reid's. As she does this, Asha gazes through the wall, toward the green.

“Nanda is waiting for me.”

“Then go talk to him,” Caroline says, fastening the last button.

“Elene is coming so she can tell you what is going on. I do not think you should come with me.”

I wish I could tell her I am proud she realizes our presence would undermine her authority, but now is not the time. I shake my head. “No. We'll walk to the classroom and watch from there. Have Elene meet us?”

“Yes.”

We follow Asha out in silence, but as our paths split I turn to Caroline. “Should...should I be telling her to see a doctor?” My voice sounds far more nervous than I expected.

She gives a short laugh and stares at me merrily. “You really are out of it sometimes. Remember all those lovely vaccinations and preventative health measures the Fleet forces its recruits to go through?”

I nod. My arm had been sore for days.

“Well, they also halt ovulation for female recruits. So unless she's had it countered, she's in absolutely no danger of becoming pregnant.”

I breathe a sigh of relief. “I guess I should have known that.”

“Well, from what I can tell, you were pretty much celibate up until you met me. And it's not like we really talk about the business end of sex, either.”

“Caroline...” I give her a rueful smile. She's not wrong. And at least she also understands that it can take a long time to get over someone. She's probably been more patient with me than I deserve. I should tell her that someday.

“Just in time,” a voice calls from the window of the classroom. Elene is standing with her palms against the sill, face pressed to the glass. Her hair is just as messy as Asha's and is falling against her shoulders in great, dirty tangles. Her shirt is at least a day old, which makes me believe she hasn't slept. It never ceases to amaze me how in sync the two of them are emotionally.

“Elene, how many of them are there?” Caroline's voice is tense.

“Twelve,” she says, but it's Asha's diction, not Elene's. Her head turns toward me. Her eyes are completely unfocused.

We all turn back to the window and watch the scene unfold. Asha is walking toward them across the green, but no one has seen her yet. Nanda and Reid stand in the center of a ring of angry students. Their body language is astoundingly clear—Reid is on the defensive, which is not a good sign.

“What makes you more angry Nanda, that she slept with me or that she slept with me instead of you?” Elene's fists are clenched at her sides, directly mirroring Reid's. She's reading all three of them for me and Caroline.

Nanda's hand darts out with a speed I am all too familiar with from my time among his people. His knuckles hit Reid directly under the eye, who stumbles backward but does not fall. The students around Nanda are jeering. From this distance, they look hungry. Reid looks around, realizes he is cornered. Raises his hands to fight anyway. Elene is rubbing at her cheek. They lunge at one another and—

“Stop it!” Asha shoves through the crowd and stands between them, managing somehow to glare up at them both at once. Nanda's hands lower in confusion, but Reid does not shift. A stillness slides over the crowd as all eyes fix on her appraisingly. Caroline's hand finds mine, and I clutch it to me. I want to be out there with her. She seems so small in the center of all the other students. So tired.

“Asha, what are you doing?” Nanda tries to move around her, but she side-steps with him.

“I am keeping you from making an idiot of yourself!” There is no flicker of recognition in the crowd—she must be speaking Native.

“You have no reason to be protecting him after what he just did to you.” Reid's shoulders tense and he draws himself up. They have switched to Kiranese.

“Asha, let him give Reid what he deserves!” A voice from the crowd. The ring tightens about the three of them, and Caroline's nails dig into the palm of my hand. Asha rounds on the speaker with enough force to send her braid swinging.

“You idiots! He did not seed me!” Asha's diction clashes with Elene's voice and for a moment I am confused.

Squared shoulders slump uncertainly in the throng. Nanda and Reid stare down at her with identical expressions of shock. There is a tense span of several seconds. Elene's hands are white-knuckled against the sill as we wait for the next move.

“You—you slept with him willingly?” Nanda throws his arms up in disgust.

“Yes!”

“I do not believe you.”

“Fine.” She grabs Reid by the collar and hauls his face down toward hers. Their lips meet, her eyes slide shut, and after a moment his hands move to her shoulders. Her hair. I avert my eyes awkwardly and catch Caroline staring at the two of them with an odd look on her face. Familiarity, perhaps.

Now those are bruises I recognize. She catches me looking at her and starts guiltily. My chest feels suddenly tight.

As the kiss ends, all the fight goes out of the crowd. They look at one another uncertainly. Some shrug, some shake their heads. Nanda stands in the center, visibly defeated. Broken.

“Nanda, check your facts next time,” says another student. “It takes all kinds, you know?” And with that, they shuffle away, leaving Nanda, Reid, and Asha alone on the green. Caroline sighs in relief and slumps against the windowsill. I look at Elene, but her eyes are stil vacant. They're not done talking down there.

“Asha,” Reid starts, but Asha cuts him off angrily. Elene's voice switches accents flawlessly.

“Do not talk to me!”

He reaches for her, but she pulls away. “Just because I fucked you willingly last night does not mean I do not regret it now!” As these words leave Elene's mouth, she gives a little jump and stares at me guiltily. I give her what I hope is a reassuring smile, though it's probably just awkward. She can tell what I am feeling, anyway, so I am not quite sure why I bother.

Asha turns on her heel and storms away from them both. Reid stares after her. “Who taught her that language?”

“Who do you think, Reid?” Nanda retorts, turning to follow Asha. She senses him and yells over her shoulder. “No, not you either!”

“Elene, have her come talk to me,” I say.

She shakes her head sadly. “She is angry at them both and is going to think—oh, she's shut us out. I can't tell her anyway.”

I turn to Caroline. “Well, shall we talk, then?”

She looks at me nervously, but nods. “Yes.”

Elene stares at us both for a moment, then shakes her head. “Oh.” She strides for the door, then turns and gives me a stern look. “Don't you dare overreact.” And with that she is gone.

“What, does everyone but me know you fucked Reid?” I snap at Caroline. She flinches. “Asha knows, so Elene knows.”

“So it's fine to tell students, but you can't tell me?”

“I didn't tell Asha!” Her cheeks flush in irritation and I admit to myself it was a childish question.

“You also didn't tell me!”

“Clearly!”

“Well, why not?”

“For the same reason you won't tell me about half your fucking life! I don't want you to get fired if someone finds out you knew!”

Well. That takes the fight out. I feel suddenly stupid. “Alright, I'm an idiot and a hypocrite. I'm sorry, Caroline. I just...these situations...” I slump into a chair. She moves to stand behind me and runs her hands through my hair forgivingly. “I don't like Reid,” I continue, “And ever since Keven I've been paranoid about every guy who has gotten near Asha. Even Seamus!”

She sighs at me. “You're not like this with Elene.”

“I know.” With Elene, I have less to lose.

“I knew you'd be angry. That's another reason why I didn't tell you.”

“It's none of my business,” I say, but we both know I don't agree emotionally, no matter how much sense it makes. She laughs and leans down to kiss my cheek. Her breasts brush against my upper back, and I feel tension ease out of my muscles. The press of her against me always has this effect. Her warmth is euphoric.

“I think with Asha it's different because she has no family. No one to protect her. Elene has adults, so I don't feel the need to pretend to be her father.”

“But Desmond, you can't be Asha's father, either.”

“Trust me, I know.” For a brief moment I sympathize with Nanda.

Caroline is silent for a little while. “You know, I've been thinking about why you treat Asha so differently, and I don't think your overprotective complex is all of it.”

I force my muscles to stay relaxed. “Oh?”

“I think she reminds you of everything you lost when you left Old Earth. Anyone with half a brain can tell how happy you were there.”

“Yeah. Yeah, I was.” She doesn't ask for specifics, and I love her for it.

“But Desmond, it's unfair to her. You can't use her to try to regain the happiness you had then.”

“I am well aware of my failings. There's a very good reason why I didn't want to take her on, Caroline.”

“Do you regret it?” Her lips brush my ear, and I shiver.

“Not at all,” I reply. I am not lying. She buries her face against my neck and inhales me. I close my eyes and lean against her.

“Desmond,” she murmurs.

“Yes?”

“Do you think that went too well?”

“What do you mean?” I reply carefully.

“I didn't think they'd break up so easily. It took hardly any convincing for her to send them away.”

“It didn't seem unusual to me. Think about how often Asha and Reid are seen together.”

“Mmmm.” She sounds thoroughly unconvinced, but does not press the issue. Caroline is sometimes a little too good about respecting my privacy. It makes me feel terribly guilty.

“Well, I am going to get back to my day,” she says at last, planting a soft kiss on my shoulder. “Come to my quarters for dinner, okay?”

“Of course.” I squeeze one of her hands briefly in mine, and then she is gone. Once I can no longer hear the sound of her heels against the tile, I slam my fists against the table in front of me. I've had to lie to her again. I've never been more relieved that the green is not recorded because when Aki calls me into her office to discuss this, there won't be an incriminating video to watch when she asks if Asha seeded them intentionally. But I can't tell that to Caroline, because the fewer people that know about Asha, the safer everyone is. The safer she is.

But every time I am forced to do this I feel like a coward. I routinely deceive literally every person I know, and for what, to protect my job? No. I do it for Asha. And that used to be enough, because if anyone needs protection, it is her. Poor, naieve, well-intentioned Asha. But ever since I gave in and let Caroline into my life, I've found myself resenting every half-truth, every omission, every lie the Fleet insists I make. I can never let my guard down, I can never speak without thinking. I live within the protective shell in my mind, constantly terrified that I will slip up and Elene, Asha, or Seamus will learn what I am under orders to hide. It's a familiar feeling, which makes it even worse. It's like I'm back on Old Earth again, deceiving an entire village. I run my hands through my hair and try not to think about how grey it has gotten.

If it weren't for her, I could tell Caroline everything. A dangerous part of me quietly insists that I would be happier if Asha weren't here at all.